Without You
by suki-da
Summary: Summer muses on her relationship with Zach. SS. Follows episode 9. The ex factor.


Hey all. I watched last night's episode of the O.C and felt my skin crawl every time Summer and Zach shared the screen. God knows why they are trying to ram this couple down our throats. So yeah, story is Zach friendly but I find him tediously boring to watch with Summer. S/S story. (My first… please me gentle ) please R&R

Chapter 1: Summer

Disclaimed: I don't own anything of the O.C (

A/N: Its written so far from Summers POV not sure how the next chapters are going to go.

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To be honest I didn't even know what I was talking about as I rambled on in a very Coheny way with the story about Wolves and not dealing well with relationships, I knew as the words fell out of my mouth they made hardly any sense and I wasn't sure if he was going to buy it all… hell I mean I hardly didn't – it sounded like such a lame thing to be saying, but he seemed to swallow it up.

"While I'm learning… not to… howl at the moon… I need to take… baby steps" I said, hardly believing that I could come up with such nonsense, I continued trying to piece together my words, "like this anniversary…thing"

"I got it" Zach cut it, I sighed a breathe of relief as I realised I had successfully patched up our 'perfect' relationship once again. Go Summer. Anyway he continued, flashing his model smile at me as he did so, "and don't worry… if we are still together when we hit the one year mark… I'm going to totally blow it off"

I smiled, he was cute and trying so hard, "I think that's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me" I said smiling back at him, he was making such an effort for me and was sticking by me despite my seeming need for a drama full relationship.

"Aww" Zach had picked up an extra straw and put it in his milkshake for us to share, grinning at me as he did so, it was a cute gesture and one that made me feel like I was finally having a normal, teenage relationship. Doing the sort of things I should be doing; having silly arguments with my seriously cute boyfriend of six months over nothing, sharing a milkshake, just sharing a moment but even at that moment when everything should have felt like it was finally coming together, something just didn't feel right.

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Later that night, after Zach had dropped me home and I sat on my bed reflecting on the night's events. I felt down, a little depressed even; actually more to the point I was beginning to feel a little annoyed with myself. I had everything I could have asked for; a model boyfriend, a best friend I had known my whole life, a Dad who I could share almost anything with, not to mention a huge house and a wardrobe stuffed with clothes from Dior to Juicy, but when I thought about it I wondered how happy any of this really made me.

Take my Dad, he was always at work and when he wasn't he was always ready to pass judgement… yeah I could tell him anything but did I always want to? And then there's Coop, I swear there are somedays, actually most days lately, when I haven't got to the slightest idea what's really going on inside her head. And then, well then there is Zach. The perfect boyfriend. So why do we argue so much? Cohen? His tutor? His family? We always "make up" in the end though. But why do I still feel trapped, like I'm not being me, but some fake person desperate for this relationship to work out.

I know I could continue it forever if I wanted to, I know Zach is really into me, I can tell by the way he smiles at me and cares so much. The guy even remembered our 6 month anniversary… I couldn't even do that. I know I could go through high school with him, college even. Watch him graduate and follow in his fathers footsteps… we could marry and I could become the perfect wife, having an easy life of shopping in the day and dinner parties in the evening. I know all of this – I should want all of this, but truth be told it made me feel kinda nauseas.

I began to think about me and Zach… and landed on a conversation I had with Coop before the term began.

"Totally there's a Paul Frank sale there Wednesday"

"Wednesday? I can't… I have plans with Zach"

"Oo more plans with Zach huh?"

"The more time I spend with Zach the less time I have to think about… god what his face built like a beanpole, curly hair, runs away like a little bitch on his sailboat leaving nothing but a note for his girlfriend who cried and cried over him until 4th July when she decided she doesn't cry over bitches on boats"

"Seth… His name... Its Seth"

I remembered the conversation like it was only yesterday, god, it seemed like it could have been, I even remember admitting to Coop that it was "a formality really" I was never going to get close to a boy again. My relationship with Zach was fake, it still is.

Coops words echoed in my head once again, "Seth… His name... Its Seth"

He was the reason why, I knew it. I had known it all summer long and as soon as we got back at school. I knew it when he took me to the bait shop and tried to kiss me. I knew it when I took him shopping for a Christmas tree and I kissed him on the check under the mistletoe. I especially knew it as a I felt like I had been kicked in the gut as he and Ryan exchanged looks about his activities with his new girlfriend on the sofa before lessons.

I didn't want to be with him anymore, the whole last year of school I felt like I had gone through an emotional rollercoster; from not even knowing his name to fighting over him with Anna. To losing him to her. To having him and then him abandoning me like I meant nothing to him, like my words that I would be there for him were false promises.

So yeah, I didn't want to be with him, in the back of my mind I knew he would be back at the end of the summer but I knew I would be hurt again if I let myself fall back under his 'unique' charms again. Like he could have me or not whenever he wanted. So I settled for perfect Zach.

But it was beginning to hurt more each day NOT being with him.

He had moved on and I hadn't. I was stuck with safe Zach and I wanted Cohen, the boy who made me cry and feel real pain. The boy who left me with only a letter. The boy I stole glances at school when I was sure nobody else was looking. The only boy I had ever loved and the one I still love.

He had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend, he had stopped trying to win me back. I wanted him to explain to me why he had left me, why I wasn't enough…sometimes when I would daydream I would imagine him professing his love to me – just me. Not on top of coffee carts or in the crowed school, but just me and him alone him apologising and saying he wished he could take last summer back. But it never happened.

And now he had Alex.

And I had Zach, lovely, dependable, Abercrombie-looking-model, who cared so much for me… Boring dull Zach who would never take Cohen's place and whose heart I knew I was going to hurt.


End file.
